hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
