i always forget guys have bellybuttons
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
