don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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