everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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