i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
