have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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