woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
COCAINE IS GR8
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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