I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
