That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
