arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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