I am in a vortex of obligation.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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