you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
