I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i dont even know how to be here
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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