Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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