i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
