i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
