I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
