No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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