I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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