I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize