Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize