Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
