My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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