I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
