...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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