My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
