I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
