I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
