Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
