as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
