I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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