The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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