im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
