Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
