so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
