I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
