You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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