yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
