Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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