If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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