i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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