I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the day after is always just damage control
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize