Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
