Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
