Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
