apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
