I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
