I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize