To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
