I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
