Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
