I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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