I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
