I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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