umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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