how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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