she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
my phone needs a breathalizer
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
