thus making me awesome and them whores
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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