Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
