I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
