If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
