I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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