I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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